


The Lucis Theatre Company

by his-spare-hats (JesterFesta), HisGlasses



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Bad Jokes, Crack, Parody, Please don't, not meant to be taken seriously, tags to be added as we go, this is going to be an absolute AU-carnival, we don't even know what happened, we love each and every character, which is why we EQUALLY drag them through the mire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:51:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesterFesta/pseuds/his-spare-hats, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisGlasses/pseuds/HisGlasses
Summary: Welcome to our humble theatre. How wonderful it is to see you here.We must remind you that this is a very serious group, not just your typical drama club from high school. Serious. Keep it in mind and enjoy our little plays.No, wait, I will take that back: Whoever thought it was a good idea to create this group is either a villain or a genius, well, maybe both. Oh, wait. I am! This is his-spare-hats and you are watching the LTC.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hello and welcome to our little theatre of madness.We are basically spawning new ideas every minute and need you to take part in our shenanigans and sceneries. Take a seat, grab your snacks and enjoy the show (or throw them at the stage. Not at us, if you'd be so kind).We will surely forget the one or the other joke or reference, but then it is up to you. Don't hesitate, go wild in the comments, art, whatever your creative minds evolve into when reading what we most humbly present you here.HisGlasses out





	The Lucis Theatre Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cast  
> Anna - Prompto  
> Elsa - Noctis  
> Kristoff - Gladio  
> Hans - Ardyn  
> Olaf - Kenny Crow  
> Sven - Chocobo Kevin

It was an evening like any other in the Grand Lucis Theatre.

People from all over the place rushed in to take their seats, young and old, big and small, wealthy and…well, not so wealthy. Because this was a place to conduct art and, as we all know, art knows no boundaries whatsoever.

A man stepped into the spotlight, the other lights dimming and the audience’s unburdened chatter reducing into nothing but quiet ‘Shush!’s and ‘Hush!’s. It was the man people knew to be none other than Ignis Scientia, a man of virtue and good manners who would so splendidly guide his colourful lot of actors through the play of choice at any time given. “Greetings”, he began with an expansive gesture making sure to address every single person at the same time, “and welcome to our humble theatre. It is our utmost priority to deliver you only the best of the best performances.” How graceful he must have looked to all the people in the audience if only it wasn’t for those voices coming from the back.

“I said  I will _not_ wear the dress! Also, this make up is not very mature for a-”

“Shut it, Prompto, you’re now five and we both know Ignis will not just kill _you_ but also _me_ if we don’t-“

A slightly exaggerated clearing of Ignis’ throat was all it took for both of the voices to get muffled at once. Not even things like these could make him loose his cool, one might even say he was used to it when he continued with a smile charming like a breeze in summer. “Anyhow, we proudly present our first piece of this season, we deemed it quite suitable and hope that all the spectators assembled right here right now will enjoy it to the fullest. Thank you.” And with these words, Ignis disappeared into the dark sides of the stage and it was not long until the curtain rose.

Little did he know that his audience did not so much consist of connoisseurs of the performing arts but followers of his little theatre group, very ambitious ones at that. “I heard this is going to be a Promptis play”, a young woman squealed, her phone case revealing the name written in silvery letters again framed by a heart. A voice to her right denied the claims. “No way, I was promised Promptio!” But again, two rows down the corridor another spectator claimed it to be something called Promdyn. But who ever got a theory right before watching the actual thing, right?

Back to the curtain. It rose.

White snow made of paper fell onto the stage, quietly, softly. But it was not this which made the audience coo, no, it was the sight of Prompto – or should we call him Anna now? – who was sitting in the middle, face a dark shade of red and fingers clenched around the hem of his dress. “Those extensions suit him so well”, a young girl muttered under her breath just when the blond finally got into character and stared at the paper snow in awe, then looked to the side.

“Noct! Noct-“

“It’s Elsa!”

“-ga…” He swallowed once more and took a deep breath before his voice suddenly went higher in pitch. “Elsa?” Five knocks to the wooden stage floor while the Promptis shippers cheered.

“Do you want to build a snow crow?”

Needless to say, it was hard not to faint from cuteness. The play’s conflict developed slowly but surely. The prince, no, the princess hurt her sister by accident, losing control over her powers and she made it her goal to keep them inside from then on. A good solution to her, not so for her little sister, a bubbly and cheerful little thing that didn’t like anything more than moving, singing, having fun.

The two sisters grew apart, grew older, grew in anything but character, all while singing and prancing across the stage. And then, coronation day was here.

Prom- Anna’s coronation dress did not only make the ladies swoon when song after song sounded through the air, major and minor keys mixing into a bittersweet symphony. But the final high note could not even be started on when a person dressed in a dark and messy attire shoved the heroine so hard she fell to the ground with a grunt.

“Why did he not wear his costume?”, a pressed voice sounded from behind the stage, only for the first few rows to hear but apparently there was no answer to that as it remained silent.

“Hey!”, Anna exclaimed only to repeat herself in a softer tone of voice. “I-I mean…hey.”

“Oh, I’m _so_ sorry, are you hurt?”, a deep voice sounded through the room, coating everything in an imaginary layer of honey within seconds. Now this was a true actor, it was as if he’d been used to deceiving people since the beginning of time.

“I-I’m fine, really!”, the lead replied, unable to take her eyes off of the handsome stranger who drew his hat with a warm smile, then extended his hand.

“Thank the Six.”

The audience started to discuss with hushed voices. “This right there, see that? You can’t act this, it must be true love.”

“Same. Promdyn is so sailing in this piece-“

“Wait, take that back, did you even read the script before coming here? You can’t just assume things from that one scene-“

“Be quiet, damn it and watch the show.”

A romance begins. The boring days of being ignored by the only one she cared about up to that point; gone. Hans is the handsome stranger’s name, passed on to him by his grandfather it seems, and he too knows the feeling of being neglected. Who wouldn’t with twelve brothers preceding him line of succession? Or was it sixty-three? And, of course, another song.

“I mean it’s crazy.”

“What?”

“We finish off all those-“

“-Daemons!”

“I-I meant to say crown princes.”

“I’ve never met someone-“

“-who thinks kind of like me!”

Well, the key in a relationship is to compromise, you could say.

“Our mental synchronization can have but one explanation! You-“

“Who, me?”

“You’re just an MT!”

The actor of Anna fell silent at that, a deep frown on his face when he turned around to stomp off-stage. “Say goodbye!”

“Say goodbye! To the pain and the past!”, Hans interrupted nonchalantly holding on to the young lad’s wrist, smile never leaving his face, only turning a tad bit darker as he leaned closer and closer. The music stopped for a couple of seconds so the dark-haired man’s mumble could be heard. “You don’t have to feel it anymore, dear.”

“Music!”, a pressed voice shouted from backstage and the instruments started anew, bringing the song to a close with a very chaotic, yet hopelessly romantic proposal.

Again a voice from the audience could be heard, more quiet this time. “This is so canon.”

The lovey-dovey couple went to get the King- the _Queen_ ’s approval for their marriage but she did not seem so fond of letting her dear baby sister go with a stranger so unfashionably dressed.

“You can’t marry a man you just met”, Queen Elsa stated as a matter of fact but Anna didn’t want to hear this.

“You _can_ if it’s true love-“

“What do you know about true love?”

“More than you!”

Quiet gasps sounded from the audience watching like under a spell. “Promptis is sinking”, a little girl whispered, shock evident on her face but her brother only shook his head. “So be it, we will rebuild it, don’t worry. We need more fanart.”

Anna and Elsa started arguing, more and more, louder and louder, until the latter’s powers broke out of her, unleashed due to the strong emotions. Sharp spears of light blue colour pierced the wooden planks of the stage, followed by a muffled voice that suspiciously sounded like Ignis. “Six, the Mahogany. Noct, for Heaven’s sake.”

“I’m so sorry”, Noc- uhm, Elsa breathed with tears sparkling in her eyes – whether towards the unknown voice or her little sister remained unclear – when she spun around and ran off, leaving nothing but spears and swaying curtains.

It was then that Hans spoke up once more, his hands heavy on Anna’s shoulders. “Did you know?”

Anna stared at the holes in the planks, wide eyed, disbelieving even when the spears crumbled to glass-like pieces, then vanished altogether. “No. I didn’t know a thing.” They exited the stage slowly, thunderstruck even and a quick change of scenery turned the stage into a wintery wonderland.

How real it looked when Queen Elsa stepped back on stage, shaking when strong and cold wind hit her pale face. She turned her face towards nobody in particular, voice barely audible. “G-Gentiana…l-less wind.” The wind stopped within heartbeats, the Queen now standing straight and clawing at her gown in uncertainty when she started off with a deep voice, quietly, slowly, too calm and composed. It was a moment of realisation: She was free. Free off all her burdens. Free to do however she pleased. The cape was thrown to the ground. Gloves tossed into the audience and never to be seen again.

“The past is in the past!”, she shouted, voice cracking with such professionalism it didn’t even sound practiced.

“How long do you think she will live in that castle though?”, someone asked their girlfriend who just waved it off.

“Ten years tops, you get pretty lonely after spending some time in a house made of nothing but crystals.”

“Let the storm rage on!”, Elsa screamed, pale face turning more and more red with every passing second, leaving her breathless for her last line before the curtain fell to signalise the end of the first half. “The cold never bothered me anyway.”

 

During the fifteen-minute break, agitated voices discussed the play as shown so far. “I do not understand why Anna wore a dress when Elsa wore a coat”, a man says with a shake of his head, “the actors should be treated equally, don’t you think?”

“No way! As if Noctis could sport a dress with that posture”, his company interfered, “Prompto on the other hand is quite the delicate crossplayer. I am _so_ going to cosplay this. But Noctis is so out of character with that dark hair? I mean, in the script it said Elsa was blonde!”

A little bit further to the right, a group of women in their mid-twenties was talking. “But Hans! Let’s talk about that guy!”

“You mean Ardyn? He’s just too much of a gentleman for his own good, you wouldn’t have resisted his proposal if it was you either, huh?”

“He could wear a dress and sing about flowers and rainbows and I would still marry him, you know me.”

“Indeed, you would haha! I didn’t even read the book, I just came here for him.”

“Girl, who ever reads the book anyway!”

 

Oh, if only they knew about the discussions going on backstage.

“What do you mean, you haven’t read the book??”, Ignis exclaimed in outrage but the man – if you want to call him that – in front of him just shrugged. How bad can it be, he said. I’m literally a pile of living snow, he said.

“Come on, Ignis, let him be-“

“And you!”, the bespectacled man pointed at Ardyn, interrupting the other’s sentence mid-way. “You didn’t even wear you costume!”

“By all respect, white has never really been my colour. I prefer to be a man of my own looks.”

“At least take off your hat”, Ignis sighed in resignation. “Gladio, you ready? How’s Kevin?”

“Doing good, sir!”, Prompto replied and Gladiolus grunted to show he, indeed, was ready for once.

“Alright then, second half, everyone. I believe in you!”

 “A horrible decision.” Noctis raised a brow at the tall advisor who pinched the bridge of his nose in order to calm himself.

“Thanks, now I feel much more confident, _Noctis_. Biggs! Wedge! Are you done?”

The sounds of on-going construction coming from the stage subsided and soon the men in question appeared. “All ready, sir! No holes left in the stage.” Another glare at Noctis who swore never to slam spears into the stage again, a clap of Ignis’ hands and the show was on once more.

 

What happens when suddenly a whole town, no, a _kingdom_ falls victim to a wave of ice and snow without even so much as a sign for preparation? It gets cold? No, think again! What’s the most crucial thing that changes? Exactly. The cost-benefit ratio. Thus it is no surprise that our heroine gets to witness a dispute over a trade when she stops to buy a set of warmer clothes.

“What do you mean, five thousand? This isn’t even worth two!”, a voice growls dangerously low from backstage, making not only Princess Anna shiver but the audience as well. “Help me out, man, the freezing cold coming from the northern mountain is bad, yes, but I’ve got a pet to feed!”

The shop owner didn’t seem to agree nor compromise as the man stepping on stage let his shoulders hang – though that didn’t make his huge frame look any less intimidating and Anna hid behind a nearby wall. The new arrival had his pet with him, a bird of yellow colour. “Sorry, Kevin. I didn’t get your Gysahl Greens. But at least we can sleep in this stable!”

Anna kept watching from a distance, far enough to remain hidden, close enough to listen as the big guy threw himself onto a pile of straw and his chocobo friend, Kevin it seemed, joined him. “Chocobos are better than people, Kev don’t you think that’s true?”, he started off with a voice so charming one might not have thought it possible.

“Who knew Gladio could sing?”, a woman whispered at the back, feverish nodding being her reply as nobody dared to break the spell.

The chocobo joined in – or rather the man lowered his own voice pretending to be the bird – “Yeah, people will beat you and curse you and cheat you! Every one of em’s bad, except you. Ehem. Thank you, my friend.” It went on for some more, but not long. It was short and sweet, a smile topping it all off just when Anna threw a bunch of Gysahl Greens into the guy’s lap demanding to be brought to the northern mountain.

It took surprisingly few words for the big guy to accept, his name being revealed to be Kristoff, and a man in the audience leaned over to his wife. “One might think he would be the dominant one with those muscles…”

“So you’re telling me you have any say in our marriage, honey?”, she shot back with a smirk so condescending he shut his mouth on the spot and went back to watching in silence.

It’s already the next scene when a new voice can be heard, approaching slowly. “Snow really is somethin’ weird, don't cha think?” A man steps into view, no, it’s a crow, a black one without beak. “I mean, ‘tis just frozen water but ya know what they’re sayin’: a mouthful of snow is a mouthful of happiness!” It walks up to Kristoff and Anna stretching out one of its wings, a bottle of ominous liquid in the other. “Am I right?”

“What the f- uh, what the hell?”, Anna mutters in confusion, taking a step back and swatting away the black wing by reflex. Kristoff pushes her behind his tall body. “Who are you?”

“CAW, kids, it’s Kenny the Crow!”

“Oh, i-it's O-Olaf! Haha!”, Anna exclaims awkwardly, tripping over one of the new wooden planks that were hastily pieced together in less than fifteen minutes only to be caught by the strong hand of Kristoff.

“You okay, buddy?”, he murmured, apparently not as part of the script, and his new friend scrambled to his feet in a hurry. “Y-yeah. Thanks.”

“Oh Six, did you just see that Promptio? Promdyn who? Promptis who?”, a girl hummed with a content smile and then, the moment passed.

Another song – Ke- _Olaf_ the snow crow is not a very good singer, if I may add – and they went to look for Anna’s sister on the northern mountain together, finding her much sooner than one would expect. Annna chose to confront Elsa alone, hurrying towards her and trying to talk her into coming back home. And thawing the kingdom, which was…more of a side note but struck Elsa no less. She couldn’t go back. She was a monster. It was her destiny to be isolated from everybody. Her destiny to live in her crystal palace.

But why wouldn’t Anna understand? Their voices raised, more and more until they filled out each and every corner of the theatre and then-

 _Swoosh._ The sound of blades (icicles) piercing the closest wood beams cut off Anna’s begging for her sister to come back without Elsa having to do more than scream a loud “I can’t!” Anna turned with wide eyes to see one of her braids nailed to the papier-mâché scenery, then glanced back at her sister.

“Dude. My ex _ten_ sions?!”

“Fall to the ground”, Elsa growled through clenched teeth and Anna dropped to her knees but nothing more. The elder sister exclaimed “Anna!” and wanted to rush to her sibling but Gladi- Kristoff came stumbling across the stage and so she retreated into the depths of her castle again, throwing all of her unwanted guests out in the meantime.

“Anna, look!”, Kristoff exclaimed, reaching out for the place Anna’s braid had been at before. “Your hair, it’s…You’re balding.” He couldn’t hold back a snort but turned serious again in a second. “It’s because she struck you, isn’t it?”

“I…Does it look bad?”

The audience smiled, soon laughing when Kristoff replied: “Not as bad as your dress, darling”, earning him a smack on the back of his head.

Anna stood with wobbly knees. “I-I’ve read about this b-before. You know-“ She turned towards the audience. “-they say only an act of true love can save me now.”

A shriek from the audience. “Six, they can’t possibly mean we’re getting a Promptio moment here? Right in front of Noct?”  
“No, he’s gone and we won’t, sorry to break it to you. You know, according to the script-“

“SHHHH! It’s a kiss, okay? Now shut up.”

“An act of true love. A kiss?”, Kristoff mumbled, silencing the audience by whistling to bring Kevin out onto the stage. “Anna, hop on. We’re bringing you back to Hans _right now_.” Olaf tumbled off the stage. “Alright! Let’s go kiss Hans! Wait. Who is Hans?!” And again, the audience was smiling when the scene came to an end.

Things got complicated but one thing was for sure: Anna reached Hans just in time, stumbling into his room with her remaining braid dangling around wildly. “Hans”, she uttered grabbing him by his scarf and pulling him down to look at him, “you need to kiss me.”

“Oh fuck”, a girl whispered clawing at her armrest. “Shit is getting intense.”

“Kiss you?”, Hans muttered with round eyes.

“Only an act of true love can heal my frozen heart. I need someone who l-l-loves me to k-kiss me.”

“Your frozen heart, huh?” Hans made Anna more or less lie down on a nearby sofa and let his thumb caress her cheek in a loving manner. Absolute silence coated the entire room until a devilish smirk broke out on Hans’ face. “Oh, Prompto. If only there was someone out there who loved you.”

“He’s _Anna_ , for Heaven’s sake”, Ignis’ voice whisper screamed from the back but Hans – Ardyn? – turned slowly, oh so slowly, taking in the stunned faces of the audience and stopping on that of Ignis, his smirk not leaving even for the blink of an eye. “Oh, Prompto”, he repeated relishing each and every syllable on his tongue.

“Okay, that was rude”, Anna – Prompto? – managed to say, pushing Ardyn away at arm’s length. “Like, how dare you? First of all, there _is_ someone out there and-“

“Prom, keep it together, man!”, Elsa’s voice hissed through the background but he was having none of that. How was he supposed to keep it together when literally everybody on stage except for Kevin made fun of him? He had only just started insulting Ardyn’s collection of hats when the curtains suddenly fell close, leaving the audience with one mess of a stage hidden behind a piece of cloth.

Several muffled sounds of undisclosed nature sounded through the theatre and the audience exchanged a couple of confused glances when Ignis himself stepped back on stage through the curtains clearing his throat.

“The princess, offended by the handsome stranger, ran back to Kristoff who comforted her and listened to her as she poured out all of her soul. He could mend her heart, he thought himself but he didn’t think of kissing her. Anna became a statue of ice, Elsa finding her only seconds too late. Oh how horrible it must have been to see the own sister freeze, basically _die_ in front of her-“

“I don’t know why but I feel called out”, a man of white hair and sharp facial features mumbled in the audience but was silenced by his blonde sister without hesitation.

“Anyhow”, Ignis continued, “the love for her sister was what broke the spell. An act of true love, who ever said it was a kiss? The love of sisters was all it took to thaw Anna and bring her back to Elsa, Kristoff, Kevin and Olaf. And they lived happily ever after, we wish you a good night and hope you enjoyed the show!” He bowed in a hurry and disappeared behind the curtains, leaving the audience baffled.

“Wait so, like, that’s it?”

“I don’t know what I expected.”

“There was not one shipping moment acted out.”

“Excuse you, we had a proposal for Promdyn-“

“Based on _lies_. Excuse _you_.”

“Come on, it’s-“  
“CAW!”

A crow stepped on stage. _The_ crow. Olaf the snow crow, waving around his bottle of blueish liquid. “Don’t forget there’s a special drink for today’s performance, y’all!”, he yelled, “each drink comes with a limited coaster in one of six designs in the theme of today’s performance!”

A woman from the audience rushed to her feet. “You mean there’s a crossplaying Prompto coaster?!”

“I’m just a crow, I know nothing m’lady. Don’t forget the cost-benefit ratio and g’night! Caw!”

 

Ignis later pretended that the theatre emptied so fast because of the coasters and nobody dared to disagree, not even Ardyn when he was threatened with the loss of his hat collection.

Was the performance a success? Many doubted it.

But some didn’t. Which is why a bunch of people would come back. And new people would come. There is always a certain cost-benefit ratio. And so, the Lucis Theatre Company kept evolving.

It was an evening like any other in the Grand Lucis Theatre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go. In case anyone doubted the amount of madness that can be contained in a hat and a pair of glasses: I hope we gave you a vague idea with this.  
> The worst about this: We have many more stages prepared. Not written. But prepared.  
> So you'd better be as well.  
> In case you actually found this as amusing as we did, leave a comment of what you might want to see in the future or your fav character in this piece! We're looking forward to more company in this crazy house.

**Author's Note:**

> Some of the cast we choose because they fit, others precisely because they don't. It's all for entertainment and serves a purpose. We hope you understand (and might even enjoy).


End file.
